Fear? Paranoia? Kamia Incident Part 2

Today, I attended my Psych140, Polsci 199 and Polsci 193 classes. I missed those classes last Thursday because I was quite busy with the CSSP Freshie Orientation.

My Polsci 193 class will be taught by two professors. This afternoon, we discussed the house rules for 193. One of the rules was if you know that you may endanger your classmates physically, then don't come to class. This rule is directed particularly to fratmen. But it triggered something in me. I guess I'm still pretty paranoid even if I am done with my court appearances.

Since I had to submit an excuse letter (for being absent last June 9) and a photo, I met my prof after class. Then, for some reason, I told him about the Kamia Incident and how I am involved in it. I told him that it had something to do with the "physically hurting your classmates" rule. I have this really weird idea that Richard Ong (the defendant in the criminal case) will appear or stay outside my room.

Nung ako’y tumetestigo sa korte, hindi ko siya tinitignan. Dahil alam na niya ngayon ang itsura ko, pakiramdam ko pwede niya ako i-stalk. Minsan, nakita ko siya sa AS. Anong ginawa ko? Tumakbo papuntang council office at nagtago. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Hindi ko naman siya dapat katakutan. Pero paranoid pa rin yata ako. Aaminin ko, matindi ang trauma ko. Pero, bakit ganun?

Meron din akong takot na baka isang araw, lalapitan niya ako, o di kaya ng pamilya niya, at mag-o-offer sila na bayaran na lang ako wag lang magsalita sa korte. Pero buti na lang at tapos na nga ako sa aking court appearances.

My prof then told me that my idea is a bit far-fetched, a bit remote, but nevertheless possible. I told my prof that I don't think Richard Ong would hurt me physically but if I do see him outside our classroom, I would most likely not get out of the room.

OK, ok. I admit, I still get or maybe I still am paranoid. Sabi ng prof ko, kitang-kita sa mukha ko ang takot at paranoia nung nag-uusap kami. Dagdag pa niya, hindi ko dapat katakutan ang lalaking yun dahil marami na siyang problema. Kung makikita niyang takot ako, baka i-take advantage niya yun. But if we do bump into each other, we'd probably stare at each other (another scenario I don't want to happen).

My prof and I had a pretty long chat. It did me good though. He clarified some things for me. I have never thought of them. Like, it seems that I look at Richard Ong as a very evil man because of what happened; because he is partly responsible for the trauma inflicted on me and on other people as well. I must keep in mind that his case is homicide and not murder. The Kamia Incident is an accident, and not something he did deliberately. A lot of people drink but that does not make them evil. Malas lang talaga at naisipan niyang mag-drive habang lasing siya. I should not be paranoid because it magnifies the fears that I have. In addition to that, he told me that I should speak up more about this experience. Harboring it inside is being an introvert and is much more dangerous/harmful to myself.

Everything about the Kamia Incident is still an open book for me because the case is still ongoing. Up until now, I’ve had doubts about whether or not to go to law school. But what my prof told me removed all doubts. He told me that perhaps going to law school would be a good healing process since I have gone to court several times.

Ok, I am now changing the topic .

Para sa ibang tao:

Akala mo ba nakakatuwa ang ginagawa mo? Excuuuse me...grabe ka na nga makasakit ng damdamin eh. Sinungaling ka! Malas mo lang at nakakalimutan mo ang mga inimbento mong kwento, kaya hindi ka consistent. Ayan tuloy, huling-huli kita. Tandaan mo, it takes two to tango. Kung akala mo effective yang style mo sa akin, sinasabi ko sa iyo HINDI. Iniisip mo pa lang, nagawa ko na. Chikadora nga ako, pero alam ko ang difference ng mga bagay na pwedeng i-chika at hindi pwedeng i-chika. Kaya kung wala kang mas mabuting gawain, wag mo na akong kausapin at distorbohin.